Place: McDonald's
Lunch: 10 Chicken McNuggets (w/Szechuan sauce), Mac Jr, ice water
McDonald's has been hyping the return of their legendary Szechuan dipping sauce on social media all week. The sauce originated back in 1998 as a cross promotion with Disney's feature "Mulan", and has had rabid fans demanding its comeback ever since. People were selling years-old packets on eBay for $800.
McDonald's brought it back in a really poorly conceived one-day promotion last year that had fans banging their heads against the golden arches, so now they've brought it back for real, with 20,000,000 of the little dipping tubs available systemwide in the US.
I never tried it the first time, so why not now.
In order to check availability, I checked sauce options in McDonald's sad and terrible app (which I've actually used a couple of times now, and it just made it sadder.) Szechuan sauce was NOT listed among the dipping options available for McNuggets as of Monday. After running a lunch errand today, I went to check the app again, but realized I'd left my phone at the office. Jeepers, why didn't I just leave my pants while I was at it. So I dropped in to the closest McDonald's. There's no indication of availability anywhere in the open, but they have signs-o-plenty announcing that "HOT MUSTARD IS BACK!" Seriously, who's behind McDonald's marketing coordination, and how are they still employed?
Frowning Counter Girl: "Do we have WHAT?"
Me: "Szechuan sauce."
"WHAT?"
"SZECHUAN sauce."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"SESH-WAN sauce. For the McNuggets."
She stares for a moment, walks down to the drive through, stares at a bin, returns, holds out a packet of Szechuan sauce, and asks "THIS?"
"Yes. That."
She walks back to the bin, drops the sauce packet, and returns to the register. I order. She shouts down to a random employee handling orders "HE WANTS THE SZECHUAN!" as if she knew what I was asking all along and was just messing with me.
I get my drink and wait for my food at the counter. Because even though they have the plastic numbers for table service, they're not giving anybody those or delivering food to tables.
Next customer has ordered through the app. He holds out his phone in front of Frowning Counter Girl, displaying his mobile order code.
Frowning Counter Girl: "I don't know what that is. Technology and I don't get along too well. I like the old days better."
She then stares at him, She's not going to ask anyone for assistance. The guy ends up moving down the counter and asking others for help.
The Szechuan sauce is pretty good. Wouldn't be my favorite by any means, but I see why people would love it. My all-time favorite McNugget dipping sauce was Sweet Chili sauce. I'd like to have that back.
I've talked about how McDonald's has too many items on the menu and what they could do to slim down and be more efficient, but I really think the opposite of McNugget sauces. Those are something simple and cheap with a long shelf life they could really capitalize on. Offer ten different options. Twenty. Fifty. Offer a world tour of sauces similar to Old Chicago's world tour of beers. Make it a fun online social club thing. People of all ages would have a BLAST with that. And they'd sell more McNuggets, which have to be one of their higher margin items.
Think about it, McDonald's. Give me back my Sweet Chili Sauce. Keep Szechuan and Hot Mustard for good. Add a Spicy Ranch. A Hoisin. A Ghost Pepper. Banana Ketchup. Offer a mystery flavor guessing contest like Oreo did last year.
Just go McNuts.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Thursday, January 04, 2018
Mini-Serve
Place: KFC
Lunch: Two original thighs, one extra crispy thigh, Pepsi (no ice, because there wasn't any)
Confused Counter Girl: "Sooo you want...two...original thighs and one extra crispy?"
Me: "Correct."
Confused Counter Girl: *pauses, enters things* "Sooo...two original thighs, one extra crispy, and a drink?"
Me: "Yes."
Apple Pay ensues. My food is ready before I ever leave the order position. I leave it there while I get my iceless drink and find Confused Counter Girl standing in front of my food.
"She put a biscuit on your plate. I know you didn't want one. I didn't charge you for it."
"Pretty sure they're supposed to put a biscuit on the plate anyway."
Her brain locks up, reboots, then she says "It's okay."
I really only eat about two pieces worth of chicken, then save the scraps for cat snacks. They love chicken, though it tends to make them all uppity.
Most of you have no recollection of pulling up to a gas pump, having a guy come to your window, saying to him "Fill 'er up", and having them pump your gas for you. They'd even clean your windows and check your oil. This practice died out in favor of self-serve by the eighties. For awhile you could do either/or, but you paid extra for the full service.
Not so in my home state of Oregon, one of two states that has laws making pumping your own gas illegal.
"What? Seriously?"
Yes. Seriously.
So every gas station has what's called "Mini-Serve" where a team of people man the pumps and pump the gas. You may have to enter your own credit card at the pump depending on the station, and they're not going to do your windows or check your oil, but they'll pump your gas. You aren't allowed, amateur.
This is, of course, ridiculous. It annoys me so much that I'll drive my rental car over the Washington border into Vancouver to gas up when I'm visiting Portland. I can pump my own gas, thank you very much.
But attempts to change the law over the years have failed at the hands of the voters who don't want to pump their own gas. "I don't even know how to." "It seems dangerous." "But I'll smell like gas the rest of the day." One has to wonder what magical power the rest of the country has that Oregon doesn't know about. How are we all not passing out from gas fumes? How are QuikTrips not exploding on a daily basis because of the dangers of amateurs pumping gas? I couldn't get a real job in Oregon due to my lack of college degree to save my life and had to go to the Midwest to make a living, yet these arrogant, rude, "we're better than everybody" elitists are afraid of a gas pump?
Somehow, the state government recently managed to pass legislation that starts to dismantle this. Effective with the new year, self-serve is now legal in counties with populations smaller than 40,000 people.
It's not a COMPLETE elimination of mini-serve. Stations with convenience stores are still required to staff at least some of the pumps, but can also offer self-serve.
But as far as Oregonians are concerned, the world is ending.
Medford CBS affiliate KTVL ran a Facebook poll asking viewers if they were in favor of self-serve or not, and the comments were hilarious. Endless reasons from locals why this was a bad idea like "I don't want to get out of my car in the cold weather". Horror stories of traveling Oregonians faced with pumping their own gas in other states for the first time in their lives.
It just got better as the post went viral and the rest of the world started laughing.
And laughing.
And laughing.
There was universal disbelief that this is even an issue. People were offering to come to Oregon to offer lessons in pumping gas and how to tie shoes. A guy said he was moving to Oregon FOR Mini- Serve because he was tired of pouring gas all over himself whenever he filled up. The mocking was endless.
The phase-in going forward should, of course, be that Mini-Serve becomes a premium option. Professional Oregon gas pumpers should take notice. Accept nothing less than $90,000 per year to be a pump attendant. Hazard pay, you know, since this is such a dangerous skill.
You deserved this, Oregon.
You SO deserved this.
Lunch: Two original thighs, one extra crispy thigh, Pepsi (no ice, because there wasn't any)
Confused Counter Girl: "Sooo you want...two...original thighs and one extra crispy?"
Me: "Correct."
Confused Counter Girl: *pauses, enters things* "Sooo...two original thighs, one extra crispy, and a drink?"
Me: "Yes."
Apple Pay ensues. My food is ready before I ever leave the order position. I leave it there while I get my iceless drink and find Confused Counter Girl standing in front of my food.
"She put a biscuit on your plate. I know you didn't want one. I didn't charge you for it."
"Pretty sure they're supposed to put a biscuit on the plate anyway."
Her brain locks up, reboots, then she says "It's okay."
I really only eat about two pieces worth of chicken, then save the scraps for cat snacks. They love chicken, though it tends to make them all uppity.
Most of you have no recollection of pulling up to a gas pump, having a guy come to your window, saying to him "Fill 'er up", and having them pump your gas for you. They'd even clean your windows and check your oil. This practice died out in favor of self-serve by the eighties. For awhile you could do either/or, but you paid extra for the full service.
Not so in my home state of Oregon, one of two states that has laws making pumping your own gas illegal.
"What? Seriously?"
Yes. Seriously.
So every gas station has what's called "Mini-Serve" where a team of people man the pumps and pump the gas. You may have to enter your own credit card at the pump depending on the station, and they're not going to do your windows or check your oil, but they'll pump your gas. You aren't allowed, amateur.
This is, of course, ridiculous. It annoys me so much that I'll drive my rental car over the Washington border into Vancouver to gas up when I'm visiting Portland. I can pump my own gas, thank you very much.
But attempts to change the law over the years have failed at the hands of the voters who don't want to pump their own gas. "I don't even know how to." "It seems dangerous." "But I'll smell like gas the rest of the day." One has to wonder what magical power the rest of the country has that Oregon doesn't know about. How are we all not passing out from gas fumes? How are QuikTrips not exploding on a daily basis because of the dangers of amateurs pumping gas? I couldn't get a real job in Oregon due to my lack of college degree to save my life and had to go to the Midwest to make a living, yet these arrogant, rude, "we're better than everybody" elitists are afraid of a gas pump?
Somehow, the state government recently managed to pass legislation that starts to dismantle this. Effective with the new year, self-serve is now legal in counties with populations smaller than 40,000 people.
It's not a COMPLETE elimination of mini-serve. Stations with convenience stores are still required to staff at least some of the pumps, but can also offer self-serve.
But as far as Oregonians are concerned, the world is ending.
Medford CBS affiliate KTVL ran a Facebook poll asking viewers if they were in favor of self-serve or not, and the comments were hilarious. Endless reasons from locals why this was a bad idea like "I don't want to get out of my car in the cold weather". Horror stories of traveling Oregonians faced with pumping their own gas in other states for the first time in their lives.
It just got better as the post went viral and the rest of the world started laughing.
And laughing.
And laughing.
There was universal disbelief that this is even an issue. People were offering to come to Oregon to offer lessons in pumping gas and how to tie shoes. A guy said he was moving to Oregon FOR Mini- Serve because he was tired of pouring gas all over himself whenever he filled up. The mocking was endless.
The phase-in going forward should, of course, be that Mini-Serve becomes a premium option. Professional Oregon gas pumpers should take notice. Accept nothing less than $90,000 per year to be a pump attendant. Hazard pay, you know, since this is such a dangerous skill.
You deserved this, Oregon.
You SO deserved this.
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