Savvy Marketing

Place: McDonald's
Lunch: Big Mac, fries, Coke

Me: "Number one combo."

Frowning Counter Girl: "Noomba wun?"

Me: "Correct."

She enters a Big Mac, no fries, no pop.

Me: "You just entered the sandwich.  I wanted the combo."

Frowning Counter Girl leans over register.  "What?"

I repeat myself.

Frowning Counter Girl stares at the register, then back at me.  "No stuff?"

Me: "What?"

Frowning Counter Girl: "You want no stuff?"

Me:  "I wanted the combo meal.  With fries and a drink."

Frowning Counter Girl wanders off, then returns with a manager, who looks terribly annoyed that I'm bothering him, even though technically SHE bothered him.

Manager, annoyed, to me: "Yes?"

Me:  "I wanted the combo.  She entered a sandwich and has no idea what I'm talking about."

Manager: "Oh."  Turns to Frowning Counter Girl.  "He wants a MEAL.  Push the MEAL button."

Frowning Counter Girl, who is now actually laughing, "Oh!"

Manager walks off without saying another word.

Frowning Counter Girl does not give me a total.  She just stares at me and expects me to hand her money.  I do.  This includes a penny because the change amount is 26 cents.  She takes everything but the penny, opens the register, then starts trying to figure out what to give me.  It becomes immediately clear that the only thing she understands less than the English language is US currency.  She grabs someone else to assist.

Frowning Counter Girl: "Is this right?"

Her Girl Friday: "You still need three quarters."

Frowning Counter Girl grabs a quarter and stares at her.

Her Girl Friday: "Now another one."

Frowning Counter Girl grabs a second quarter.

Her Girl Friday: "Now one more."

Frowning Counter Girl doesn't get one more, at least not without further egging.  Then she does.

So I finally have my change and the tray is set aside for the eventual delivery of what will ultimately be stale food.  Frowning Counter Girl is staring at me as if she's wondering why I'm standing there.

Her Girl Friday: "You should give him his drink cup so he can go get that while we're making the food."

Frowning Counter Girl: "Oh!  Okay."

I eventually get a drink cup...but from Her Girl Friday, because Frowning Counter Girl obviously has no idea what Her Girl Friday's actually talking about.

Seriously.  That was just mind-numbing.

You've probably been included on a share or two linking to K-Mart's latest viral ad for "Big Gas Savings".  It's a professional ad using a play on words in a way that would never ever actually air on television, much like their equally clever "Ship My Pants".

This seems to be the new trend.  Produce a brilliant ad that gets people talking and see if you can make it go viral.  Millions not only see it, but are talking about it, and yet K-Mart doesn't have to spend a single penny on actual television time.

Especially impressive is the fact this was done by an also-ran company that probably has no right to even be in business anymore.  Honestly...does ANYBODY shop at K-Mart?  HAS anybody so much as set foot into a K-Mart in the last twenty years?

My favorite viral ad is Audi's use of Leonard "Classic Mr. Spock" Nimoy and Zachary "Current Mr. Spock" Quinto in a...um...trek to the country club.  Audi not only got everybody talking for nothing more than the price of producing a spot, they actually stole Mazda's thunder.  How?  Mazda is the official automotive partner of "Star Trek: Into Darkness".  Not Audi.

Have you seen Mazda's Star Trek ad?

If I have, I don't remember it.

And you don't either.

One-Stop Shopping

Place: Burger King
Lunch: Bacon cheddar stuffed burger, onion rings (w/Zesty sauce), Coke

The patty is stuffed with bits of cheddar and bacon.  It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be.  And not all that tasty.  If I were to describe the taste, the word that comes to mind is "phony".  It just doesn't work.

So yesterday at the office, a co-worker was trying to fix a jam in the copier, which actually turned out to be multiple jams.  This was a doozy.  There was paper jammed seemingly everywhere in the thing.  I stood there watching him, offering no help whatsoever, for a good five minutes.

Eventually, he gave up and sent everyone an e-mail advisory to not use the thing until it was serviced.  He titled this e-mail "Finance Ricoh" (because it's a Ricoh copier in the Finance area).

I replied back "Nothing to do with anything, but your e-mail title has inspired me to start a paycheck loan business called Rico's Finance".

Co-worker: "Sounds like a reputable establishment.  Maybe it can have tanning booths too, or be a tobacco outlet."

Me: "And an oxygen bar.  That's all the rage now.  And of course, an authorized (our company) reseller."  (We're a cell phone company with a popular prepaid service.)

Co-worker: "I know a buddy who has an old school bus.  There's an empty lot down on the southeast side."

Me: "Old school bus?  It could be a food truck too!  And we could have shirtless tattooed guys fixing rock chips in the parking lot!  And a bikini car wash!  And once you've experienced all our services, we'll give you a paycheck loan to pay for it all!"

Co-worker: "You are a visionary.  I am speechless."

I don't think we can just call it "Rico's Finance" anymore though.  The concept is obviously far too evolved.  I'm thinking more like "Rico's Carnival of Souls" now.

Imagine the franchising opportunities.

Yep.  We're gonna be rich.