Thursday, January 04, 2018

Mini-Serve

Place: KFC
Lunch: Two original thighs, one extra crispy thigh, Pepsi (no ice, because there wasn't any)

Confused Counter Girl: "Sooo you want...two...original thighs and one extra crispy?"

Me: "Correct."

Confused Counter Girl: *pauses, enters things* "Sooo...two original thighs, one extra crispy, and a drink?"

Me: "Yes."

Apple Pay ensues.  My food is ready before I ever leave the order position.  I leave it there while I get my iceless drink and find Smiling Counter Girl standing in front of my food.

"She put a biscuit on your plate.  I know you didn't want one.  I didn't charge you for it."

"Pretty sure they're supposed to put a biscuit on the plate anyway."

Her brain locks up, reboots, then she says "It's okay."

I really only eat about two pieces worth of chicken, then save the scraps for cat snacks.  They love chicken, though it tends to make them all uppity.

Most of you have no recollection of pulling up to a gas pump, having a guy come to your window, saying to him "Fill 'er up", and having them pump your gas for you.  They'd even clean your windows and check your oil.  This practice died out in favor of self-serve by the eighties.  For awhile you could do either/or, but you paid extra for the full service.

Not so in my home state of Oregon, one of two states that has laws making pumping your own gas illegal.

"What?  Seriously?"

Yes.  Seriously.

So every gas station has what's called "Mini-Serve" where a team of people man the pumps and pump the gas.  You may have to enter your own credit card at the pump depending on the station, and they're not going to do your windows or check your oil, but they'll pump your gas.  You aren't allowed, amateur.

This is, of course, ridiculous.  It annoys me so much that I'll drive my rental car over the Washington border into Vancouver to gas up when I'm visiting Portland.  I can pump my own gas, thank you very much.

But attempts to change the law over the years have failed at the hands of the voters who don't want to pump their own gas.  "I don't even know how to."  "It seems dangerous."  "But I'll smell like gas the rest of the day."  One has to wonder what magical power the rest of the country has that Oregon doesn't know about.  How are we all not passing out from gas fumes?  How are QuikTrips not exploding on a daily basis because of the dangers of amateurs pumping gas?  I couldn't get a real job in Oregon due to my lack of college degree to save my life and had to go to the Midwest to make a living, yet these arrogant, rude, "we're better than everybody" elitists are afraid of a gas pump?

Somehow, the state government recently managed to pass legislation that starts to dismantle this.  Effective with the new year,  self-serve is now legal in counties with populations smaller than 40,000 people.

It's not a COMPLETE elimination of mini-serve.  Stations with convenience stores are still required to staff at least some of the pumps, but can also offer self-serve.

But as far as Oregonians are concerned, the world is ending.

Medford CBS affiliate KTVL ran a Facebook poll asking viewers if they were in favor of self-serve or not, and the comments were hilarious.  Endless reasons from locals why this was a bad idea like "I don't want to get out of my car in the cold weather".  Horror stories of traveling Oregonians faced with pumping their own gas in other states for the first time in their lives.

It just got better as the post went viral and the rest of the world started laughing.

And laughing.

And laughing.

There was universal disbelief that this is even an issue.  People were offering to come to Oregon to offer lessons in pumping gas and how to tie shoes.  A guy said he was moving to Oregon FOR Mini- Serve because he was tired of pouring gas all over himself whenever he filled up.  The mocking was endless.

The phase-in going forward should, of course, be that Mini-Serve becomes a premium option.  Professional Oregon gas pumpers should take notice.  Accept nothing less than $90,000 per year to be a pump attendant.  Hazard pay, you know, since this is such a dangerous skill.

You deserved this, Oregon.

You SO deserved this.