The Impossible Wallet

Place: McDonald's
Lunch: Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, large orange Hi-C

Ever notice that McDonald's only offers the Quarter Pounder with cheese on their menu anymore? The cheeseless version, which was my personal childhood favorite before my family hauled off and moved to a part of the world so isolated that even McDonald's didn't exist, hasn't shown up on the menu in years. But you can still order it. Just make sure you specify "without cheese".

Which I did today for the first time since I was probably nine. When I was nine, they came in a white foam clamshell with "Quarter Pounder" in an olive green outline. I kept a few containers to store stuff in. You could smell the burger in there for weeks after it was consumed.

Today's came in a Quarter Pounder with Cheese cardboard clamshell.

It was still good.

I might order that more often.

So I finally got a wallet. I settled on a bi-fold that zips shut and has a snappable change pocket inside. It holds less than half the crap of my Totes checkbook wallet. This sucks.

Checkbook wallets of ANY variety were hard to come by, let alone one with a zipper pocket. It just blows my mind that I couldn't find another wallet like mine. And don't think I didn't look. I even looked at women's checkbook clutches, all of which were much bigger and far too gaudy. I don't know why even women would carry something that looks as ridiculous as most of these did.

Let's review, shall we?

Wal-Mart: No.

Target: No.

K-Mart: No.

Walgreens: No.

Marshall's: No.

JCPenney: No.

Totes/Sunglass Hut: I DID find a location still open! I marched in, the girl said "Can I help you?" I said "I need one of these" and slammed it on the counter, Totes logo up. "Oh! We don't have anything like that!"

Macy's: No. But do you know what they DO sell in their men's accessories department? DVD players.

Sears: No.

Dillard's: No, but one came close. Not close enough to spend $40 on.

Sharper Image: No.

Brookstone: No, but one came close. Not close enough to spend $50 on.

Amazon.com: Almost...for $130.

Burger Time: No, but the burger was delicious!

Nordstrom Rack: No, but I'm coming back here when I need a new coat.

Another Target: No.

Another Wal-Mart: No.

A third Wal-Mart: No.

Burlington Coat Factory: No, and that was really disappointing because they DID carry a lot of Totes branded stuff.

Younkers: Younkers had no less than five different wallet displays throughout the men's department. I almost settled on a bi-fold there. Younkers ALSO carried a lot of Totes branded stuff. But not wallets.

Wilson's Leather: No.

American Tourister outlet: No.

Dollar General: No.

Big Lots: No.

Some random closeout store in the old Sam Goody location at Mall of America that made Big Lots look upscale: No.

A whole bunch of other shops at Mall of America: No.

Bloomingdales: HA HA HA HA! I'm not going in THERE.

K's Merchandise: No. They're going out of business. Not that it matters.

Pamida: The only thing Pamida had that even resembled a wallet was a pack of picture windows for a tri-fold.

ShopKo: No.

Gordman's: No.

Franklin Covey: No.

The gift shop at Terrible's: No.

Dollar Tree: No. But what the heck is a "gel pen"?

TJ Maxx: No. But that's where I gave up and bought the $12.99 Kenneth Cole bi-fold.

Maybe I'll learn how to sew and rehabilitate my old one.

Hide Your Money

Place: Panda Express
Lunch: Orange chicken, chow mein, fried rice, veggie spring rolls

Ever notice how orange chicken sometimes tastes like orange, sometimes tastes like sesame chicken, or sometimes is something in between? This is more like a spicy General Tso's chicken, but sweeter. Doesn't matter, because it's DELICIOUS.

I'm looking for a wallet. The change pocket zipper on mine broke. And it smells because the cat peed on it awhile back. The problem is that I can't find a similar wallet anywhere.

The wallet is a Totes model that I got at Totes/Sunglass World at the factory outlets. Well, the one I got it at is out of business now, as is every other one I knew of. There might still be one open in Minnesota, and I'm going up there next week, so I'm crossing my fingers.

It's designed as a checkbook wallet, but has a zipper compartment for change, and it's slimmer than the checkbook wallets I've been finding. I don't use the checkbook part (who carries THOSE around anymore?). I just like having my dollar bills unfolded, plus the additional space for all the plastic I carry (it's amazing how many places I do business with are issuing those stupid loyalty "club" cards).

But nobody has anything even remotely close to what I'm looking for.

I've been to Target. Wal-Mart. K-Mart. Walgreens. Marshall's. JCPenney. The only place that had something vaguely similar was Dillard's, and that was $40. I'm NOT paying $40 for a stupid wallet. Particularly one that's only vaguely similar. I paid less than half that for mine.

This sucks.

Of course, it's even more annoying because I'm running around trying to find one during the last week of Christmas shopping. My shopping's long since done, yet here I am on a wild goose chase for the unfindable item.

And it's REALLY annoying to keep my change in my pocket.

REALLY annoying.