Place: Quizno's
Lunch: Mesquite chicken w/bacon (no tomato), cup of chili, Coke
It's cold and rainy today, making it a sammich and soup kind of day. Or sammich and chili. Chili is a soup, right? Soup-ish, I guess. Anyway, this chili tastes strangely home made. Like I think I've actually made this recipe before. Good, though.
The new television season is here. While the traditional networks start their new shows next week, most syndicated shows and Fox start this week. Last night, "Bones" had its season premiere.
"Bones" is a pretty light but fun crime show. The FBI and a fictional museum of natural history that has a department specializing in bones and forensics and stuff work together to solve murders involving horribly decomposed bodies. It's done okay enough ratings to stick around nine seasons, though two of those seasons were half orders. The program also serves up some of the most shameless product tie-ins in the history of the medium. Federal agents driving Toyotas? Everyone carries a Windows Phone?
The leads, FBI agent Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz) and renowned bones expert Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel...yes, Zooey's sister) went through the usual relationship tension crap for several seasons before finally hooking up, having a child, and making a home together (yes, in that order). Towards the end of the last season, Brennan finally asked Booth to marry her. (Yes, she asked him. Far too long to explain.)
Enter super villain Chrstopher Pelant (Andrew Leeds). First off, I HATE super villains. I've hated them in every show they show up in. Super villains are recurring characters who can impossibly and inexplicably watch everything going on and manipulate any character in a show. They usually show up several years into a show's run as a way to...I don't know...keep the show fresh? They usually last a half season or so before being ridiculously easily uncovered and killed or, worse, imprisoned (because if they're alive, they're escaping and coming back). Criminal Minds and all of the CSI's have had some dumb ones. But the writing for Pelant on Bones has REALLY been ridiculous and has WAY overstayed its welcome (if it had a welcome at all). Which brings us to the season finale a few months back when Pelant called Booth and told him he had to call off the wedding and couldn't tell Bones why or people would die, and Booth TOTALLY WENT ALONG WITH IT.
It was far worse than I can possibly describe. It was atrocious, inexcusable writing. I was absolutely furious, as were others. If I were head of Fox, I would have cancelled the show immediately in the name of putting an end to bad taste.
Fox didn't, of course. Last night's season premiere led with tension between the leads and stupid this and stupid that and ultimately peace between them while Pelant listened into their obviously bugged house.
While watching this, I came up with my own alternate season premiere script.
This is that script.
BONES: SEASON 9, EPISODE 1 (tesg alternate script which totally rocks)
Upon being shocked by Booth's announcement at the cliffhanger, Brennan walks away and boards public transit. Pelant, who of course called Booth from nearby because he has to watch everything, happens to be on board. Brennan sees him, pulls out a gun, and confronts him.
Brennan, being far too smart to not figure out Pelant had something to do with Booth's action: "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO BOOTH?"
Pelant: "I...uh..."
Brennan shoots Pelant between the eyes. Pelant falls dead to the floor. The passengers are shocked.
Brennan: "Wow. That was surprisingly simple. Suddenly, my troubles are gone! NO MORE SUPER VILLAINS!"
The bus passengers erupt in cheers. They surround Pelant's body and trample it into an unrecognizable pile of mush while Brennan does a happy dance.
Brennan makes plane reservations on her Windows Phone, the entire process shown in intricate detail, then calls Booth.
Brennan: "Booth? Pelant's dead. Pick me up in your federally-issued Toyota. I just made plane reservations on my Windows Phone and we need to get to the airport."
Booth and Brennan fly to Los Angeles. Brennan spends the entire flight explaining to Booth how important trust is. "You taught me that." Booth sleeps through it all. Upon arrival, they take a cab to the 20th Century Fox lot and find the Bones writing offices. The writers are meeting in a conference room around an oval table covered in pizza boxes when Booth and Brennan storm in the door.
Brennan, gun drawn: "Who is the head writer?"
Some Guy, sheepishly: "Um, I am?"
Brennan shoots him in the head. His lifeless body falls out of his chair to the ground. The bus passengers from back in Washington inexplicably enter the room and trample the head writer's body into an unrecognizable pile of mush.
Brennan, waving the gun around: "NO MORE SUPER VILLAINS! DON'T EVEN THINK I'M F(bleep)ING KIDDING!"
The writers all shout "Okay!" while peeing themselves.
Booth: "Ew."
One of the bus passengers: "Is there any pizza left?"
Brennan uses her Windows Phone to rent a Toyota and reserve a wraparound terrace suite at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas. The process is shown in intricate detail. Booth and Brennan drive to Las Vegas, where they are married. They check into the Cosmopolitan, where they make mad passionate love in the bed and again in the bubble tub, flooding the bathroom, before relaxing with drinks on the terrace, totally naked.
Brennan: "You know, this episode had surprisingly little dialogue."
The end.
Then they could hire better writers and do a season of normal episodes.
See? Was that so hard?
After "Bones", the new series "Sleepy Hollow" premiered. Ichabod Crane gets somehow transported to the future where he helps modern cops solve crimes.
Surprisingly watchable, and sort of supernatural.
