Saturday, October 03, 2009


Place: Chick Fil-A
Lunch: Chicken sandwich, chicken noodle soup, lemonade

So the Iowa Hawkeyes, who defeated number 5 Penn State last week in a stunning example of watching a team collapse, are looking to continue their perfect season at home against the impassable football titans known as the 1 and 2 Arkansas State of the Sun Belt league.

The game starts well for Iowa, with two touchdowns on their first two drives. Then they start thinking about caramel apple milkshakes and give up. Not enough to get behind, but it was a three-point final. Enough to shut up the fan base I'm sure, who are dreaming of a Rose Bowl bid. HA HA HA HA HA HA! Right. See you at the Outback Bowl. Again.

The play that will probably get the most press came in the fourth quarter. Iowa quarterback Ricky Stanzi threw a picture-perfect pass to Demario Davis, who ran 75 yards for the touchdown. Trouble is...Davis plays for Arkansas State. Oops.

As Davis enters the end zone, this poor kid who will probably never be on this big a stage again does a mid-air somersault for the score in celebration. Flags fly everywhere. "UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT! EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!"

He goes back to the bench. His coach is SCREAMING at him. The announcers are basically calling him an idiot. A group of Wiccans surround him and chant out a myriad of curses while pelting him with burning insence. His mother grounds him for the rest of the weekend.

How DARE he be excited!

Doesn't he realize football isn't something to be celebrated? That fun is simply not allowed? This is a for-profit business for crying out loud! How DARE he have fun! How dare ANYBODY have fun!

The whole 'excessive celebration' thing just drives me nuts. I'm waiting for the day they no longer allow fans to cheer or boo.

I'm just waiting for the day some college or professional athelete shows up at the press conference after the game and explains what the team has to do to be successful by saying something like "We need to continue to improve and win games so that our fan base will have incentive to spend ridiculous amounts of money on our tickets, re-mortage their homes to pay for a parking space, buy our $10 corn dogs, $50 T-shirts, $100 jerseys, and support our television sponsors. We must maximize our profit potential and overall return to our investors."

Said athelete would probably then be fined for saying that.